


Control

by mar_sin_nua



Category: Firefly
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-06-29
Updated: 2006-06-29
Packaged: 2017-10-10 03:16:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/94865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mar_sin_nua/pseuds/mar_sin_nua
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>River has flashbacks from her time with the Alliance.</p><p>This fic involves both rape and self injury.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Control

"It won't go away!" River screamed at Simon as he tried to calm her down enough to give her a sedative.

"River, please," Simon pleaded.

"No! You think you can stop it! You think you can make it go away! You can't. It's bigger than you. It's bigger than all of you!" River shouted at the window of the infirmary, toward where Mal, Zoe, and Jayne were sitting.

"River, this will help," Simon said as he tried again to get close enough to inject the medication.

"No Simon, it won't." River said as she slid down against the cabinets with her hands over her head, crying. "It won't!!" She screamed as Simon got closer. "It won't! It won't! It won't! It won't!" Simon gave her the shot and slowly her screams became whispers and then there was nothing.

**

River was flat on her back. Someone was moving above her, inside of her. She tried to scream, couldn't. There was a hand over her mouth. Her arms were being held above her head. There was more than one person there. She tried to move, and whoever was holding her arms twisted her wrist painfully. The man above her began to move faster and River began to cry. Suddenly he stopped and collapsed on top of her as she began to shake with fear. When he finally got up it was only to switch places with the man who had been holding her down. The second man kneeled in front of her and roughly spread her legs.

**

River woke in her room on Serenity with a start. She moved her hands roughly along her body, as if brushing off dirt. She reached under her mattress and pulled out a scalpel that she'd taken from the infirmary months ago, and began to make long, deep cuts into her thighs. Watching the blood flow out of her skin was soothing, calming. She ran her fingers through the blood, wincing a little as she trailed over the fresh wounds. The ritual gave her a sense of release, from the pain and memories. It was like watching all of the bad leave her body. It also gave her a sense of taking back control - this was hers.

"River? River.. What are you doing?" Simon was suddenly in her doorway.

"Simon...?"

"Are you all right? What happened?"

"Nothing."

"River, you're bleeding. Something happened." Simon said, trying to stay calm. "You can tell me in the infirmary, come on."

River reluctantly followed Simon into the infirmary, blood trailing down her legs when she stood up. Once in the room she lifted herself onto the bed while Simon gathered his supplies.

"River, did you do this? No, wait - How did you do this. Why?" Simon began to gently rinse the wounds with a saline solution. "You've got scars here. How long have you been doing this?"

River looked down and away as her eyes filled with tears. "Simon, please.."

"Please, what mei mei?"

"Please don't take this away from me." River pleaded. "It's all I have."

"This," Simon said, motioning to her wounds "is all you have? No mei mei. You have me. You have Kaylee and Inara. Whatever this is for, you can talk to any one of us about it."

River bit her lip and began to cry as she whispered, "No one wants to know this."

After Simon had cleaned and dressed her wounds he'd brought River back to her room (and took her scalpel away). With clean sheets and new night clothes she lay in bed, tears sliding slowly down her face. She buried her head in her pillow and cried until she thought she had no tears left. She wanted her scalpel back. She wanted to be in control. There was so much black, so much bad inside of her, and she wanted it out. She didn't know if it was desperation or a leap of faith, but she left her room and went to Simon.

"Simon?"

He rolled over and opened his eyes, "Yes mei mei?" He said sleepily

"I need to talk."


End file.
